It's Rayneing Sin
by Sirisexual
Summary: This is another joke fic. I wrote this for a friend's birthday. My guidelines were these three ships; Jayne and River, Ron and chicken, and Luna and pudding. This isn't how I see the characters, it's just supposed to be odd.


Jayne wasn't usually into doing sexual things with anyone but River, but recently the little woman had been showing more and more interest in all kinds of practices. Jayne figured the moon brained girl's newfound interest in group sex e from seeing Wash and Zoe practically claim each other in front of the rest of the crew many a time. Jayne wasn't exactly sure he wanted to go along with Rivers disastrous plan to have a foursome with complete strangers, but he would take any opportunity to see her get off. So, that's why they were walking to an inn during a fuel stop.

"You sure these freaks don't have any, whatcha call it? Thunder down under problems?" Jayne asked River, only slightly joking.

"You're so silly." River kind of answered. Jayne grumbled about lice and spiders crawling out of musty caverns the rest of the way. River gave the keeper a last name that Jayne didn't recognize. Wizzlebee, or something like that, but the innkeeper snorted at name and handed them a room key.

"Good luck." He called after them.

Jayne's palms started sweating as they got closer. 'Good luck?' What has he gotten himself into? River saw the worried expression of her lover's face, and grabbed his hand to reassure him.

"Ready?" She asked, her voice tinged with excitement.

"As ready as I'll ever be I guess." His voice wavered slightly. River opened the paint peeling door in front of them to reveal a man and a woman in their early 20's sitting on a bed laughing. Jayne instantly thought they couldn't be too bad if they had a sense of humor.

"Oh, hello River! And you're Jayne right." The blonde female on the bed said in a high yet soft voice. The second thing she said sounded like it should've been a question, but was said as a statement. The girl had strong features but her expression was soft and gentle.

The ginger man next to her said "M'name is Ron, and this here is Luna." Both of them had British accents, but from different regions. The man had a mass of freckles on his face, and a smudge of dirt on his nose. He was tall and lanky where the girl, Luna, was small and willowy. River inclined her head a bit in acknowledgement.

"Right then, should we get started?" Ron asked. River responded by stepping forward and capturing Luna's mouth with her own. Jayne raised his eyebrows while his loins stirred at the scene. He looked over at Ron and could tell it was having the same effect on him. River broke away from the kiss and looked back at Jayne while wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Jayne smiled unsurely at her when she led him to the bed and sat him down. She straddled him and kissed him fiercely until he was laying on the bed with his wrists above his head. He felt cloth softly wrap around his wrists, but didn't notice right away because of River's tongue invading his mouth.

"What the?!" He exclaimed once his wrists were tied securely to the bed posts and Luna and Ron set to work tying his ankles to the lower posts.

"Sh, sh, sh." River leaned back into Jayne while simultaneously gripping his pulsing erection and rubbing it through his pants. Jayne's mind instantly clouded over as he moaned into River's mouth. Once he was properly tied, River backed away to cut him out of his pants and boxers. Jayne thought about struggling, but decided to trust River's judgement.

"What's ruttin going on, woman?" Jayne demanded, too angry to feel embarrassed with his hot beef thermometer flowing in the non-existent wind. River merely shook her head and turned to whisper to Ron and Luna. The pair left and shortly returned with medium sized containers and identical shit eating grins. Jayne's eyes widened to half his face when he saw that there were chicken drumsticks in one container and pudding in the other.

"What? You're just going to leave me like this while you have a ruttin picnic?" He was flabbergasted.

Ron laughed. "This food isn't for us, it's for you." He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What" Jayne practically shrieked.

"What's wrong Jayne? I thought you like food." Rivers frowned in confusion.

"IN me, not ON me!" Jayne yells in response.

"Exactly," River smiled back.

"So you're going to feed me?" He said, confused. River shook her head.

"Gorramit girl, what are you-" Realization dawned over Jayne's rugged features and he struggled at his bonds. "No ruttin way! You get the hell away from me! Dong ma?"

River tsk'd at Jayne's failed escape attempt and traced her long fingers along the inside of his thigh. "We've already done anal to loosen you up."

River's seductive voice had Jayne forgetting all sense. "The things I do for you, Moonbrain." River's trailing fingers find their goal and she begins to stroke Jayne painfully slow. He tried to buck into her hand to make her go faster, but she simply let go. He bit his cheek against a groan as she stepped away.

"Be patient, I'm going to make this a little easier on you." Jayne's love muscle became painfully hard in anticipation, and this time he let out the groan he had been holding back. River stepped back over to him and dropped her head down over his throbbing skin flute, not touching, just breathing on the tip. River saw Jayne's eyes glaze over when her tongue darted out to lick the head. She waved Ron and Luna over as she enveloped the head of his pickadilly and he moaned deep in his throat. Ron and Luna quickly set to work lubing up the thickest drumstick with pudding. They couldn't help themselves once they touched the food. Luna rubbed the rest of the pudding all over her face and arms, while Ron picked up a different drumstick and moaned in ecstasy as he deepthroated it. Once they were thoroughly aroused, they crept between Jayne's legs with their dripping chicken wand and awaited further command from River. River put her fingers up to form a 3,2,1 countdown and she fully descended on Jayne's cum gun as Luna and Ron pushed the drumstick in. Jayne howled in surprise and pain, but River's adept mouth got him to splurt his love juice down her throat.

~Back on the Ship~

Jayne limped back on board, half naked, past the rest of the crew. Mal tried to ask them where they'd been, but Jayne said "Fuck off" and kept walking.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Mal called after him.

"He was anally penetrated by a chicken drumstick." River said once Jayne was out of earshot. Mal opened his mouth to say something clever, frowned, ran his hand through his hair, and walked off muttering.


End file.
